So the snow finally started to stick on Monday. It was great for me because due to the terrible road conditions, I didn't need to risk driving to work. Once again spent the week over at Deanna's place and loved it. Monday was nice and casual, just went out to lunch with Brad and stared at the falling snow for hours on end. I really liked the snow (despite the chaotic road conditions) and it was nice to enjoy it with Deanna just sitting there in her warm living room watching the snow fall together.
This seemed to set the tone for the entire week...pretty lazy and laid back. Like I said before, I skipped out on work for Tuesday and Wednesday and as quickly as you'd think, BAM, Thanksgiving happened! I planned to go to Deanna's family Thanksgiving celebration held at her parent's house since my family wanted to do a Saturday Thanksgiving afterwards. Deanna's Thanksgiving was awesome. Most of her cousins, Ant's and Uncle's made it and it was nice to hang out with a really tight knit loving family during Thanksgiving. It's a bit different from what I do with my family because of how "in pieces" we all are. I'll get to that in a bit. Getting back to Deanna and her family though, it was just really nice to spend Thanksgiving with her and her family...didn't seem like there was any pressure, just fun and stress free. I had a lot of fun. The end of the night ended kind of poorly though. I ended up getting a fever at the end of the night, and this led to me having an argument with Deanna. During the argument, I said a few things that I probably shouldn't have and told her about how I don't think I'll be around for much longer. I wasn't trying to guilt trip her, I was instead trying to show her how important it is to take care of me when I need it most...it's a touchy subject. We figured things out in the end and had a good night.
The next day, I had a real hard time waking up due to some breathing issues. I didn't get up until about 1:30 in the afternoon or so. Deanna was telling me that she had been feeling really sad. She eventually told me that she was feeling overwhelmed about everything that has been going on...school, my health, her realizing that I'm losing strength...it was just all to much to take. To cheer her up, we ended up going to her parent's house where she could make ginger bread houses and enjoy some of the early Christmas celebrations. It seemed to really cheer her up and relieve her of a lot of stress. The last thing I want is for her to be stressed out when I'm already stressed out about things =/
On Saturday (today), I woke up with a ton of breathing issues. Waking up was extremely hard to do, coughing up tons of mucous while fighting to breathe, definitely not the way you want to wake up. I had very little strength but ended up still going to my family's Thanksgiving celebration. Deanna couldn't come because she was so bogged down with school, I ended up just going by myself. I'd like to say that it was fun, but it really wasn't. Unlike Deanna's happy Thanksgiving party, my family is a bit more confrontational. It's as if, some sort of resentment is constantly in the air when my family gets together. What's worse, is that it looked as if I was the target for this rage this time around =(. After dinner, I started talking to my dad about my health and how anything I do is difficult. My mom busted into our conversation all of a sudden talking about how I distance myself from the family and that was why I'm as sick as I am today...Ugh, more fuel to the fire I guess. What ended up happening was a good ole' mother son lecturing, except that the son wasn't going to take it. My mom talked about how I don't accept her "wisdom" she has over the situation, and I retorted with "You don't even know what I go through every day!" It was a huge mess. Oh, did I mention that this was IN the family room? Where everyone stopped their conversations to listen? Somewhere in my mom's yelling I said "I sure hope you feel better now that you've let that all out." or "Go on mom, make a scene, please I insist."
My dad eventually stepped in and took my mom outside to talk while I went upstairs in my old bed room. Lauren followed me up, and she was so sweet, saying that she supported anything that I wanted to do as long as it made me happy. And that I didn't need to have to worry about this type of stuff when I already have so much on my mind...what a good little sister. My dad came up afterwards to talk to me and he said exactly what was on my mind, that mom is just to scared and that was how she deals with it. After a few tears, and many big hugs, my dad sent up my mom. We talked for a bit and she held my hand telling me that she wanted to help me in any way...we all parted ways shortly after.
I'm not sad that my mom brought it up in front of everyone, and I'm not sad that she handled it the way she did. I guess, what I was really upset about was the fact that I was being attacked for how I live my life, as if I had done this to myself or something. Ultimately, it made me feel as if I wasn't doing good enough...not just for her, or for the family...but for myself. And recently I've been feeling this a lot lately...that I'm not ever doing good enough. I tried to explain that it's become so hard to do anything, that it becomes hard to even take care of myself let alone have a job, need to move, have a relationship, or a psychotic family who's at your throat for no reason. I guess, I too feel overwhelmed like Deanna did on Friday. I'm trying to fight it, it's just getting harder and harder.
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