FEV 25%

Life has been fairly chaotic recently. About 1 week ago I got put on antibiotics to see if I can raise my lung functions a bit. As of right now, my PFT’s say that my lungs are at 25% predicted of a regular healthy person’s lungs. That number has stuck in my mind for a little while…25%...damn that’s low. I’ve read that when a CF patient blows around the 30’s that the doctor’s start talking about lung transplant. In my case, I have been blowing around the 30’s for about 6 months (maybe 9?), and the doctor’s wanted to hold out on the idea of lung transplant because they wanted me to “optimize care.” After seeing the number and hearing about transplant, I started talking to my social worker about my personal life…about how I have been sleeping a whole lot lately, haven’t been eating very much, feeling unproductive and lazy, how I’ve had low energy lately…all these types of things. The conversation soon shifted over to talk about depression and how I may be severely affected by it. I didn’t really know what to think, things started becoming overwhelming.

I left the appointment feeling real upset. Health, both physically and mentally were deteriorating (or so it seemed) and there was very little I could do about it. I felt really helpless about the situation. Anyways, fast forward towards the start of antibiotics. Soon after starting the antibiotics, I break out in a rash and start having fevers and body aches. At this point, my appetite is nil, I have no energy at all, and I’m suffering due to the fevers and body aches. I was so overwhelmed with everything that it threw my mind in peril too. Thoughts of giving up happened pretty frequently. I was in a lot of pain. I took myself off the medicine and within a day or two, I started feeling stronger within 2 days.

Ever since I took myself off of that medicine, life has gotten a whole lot easier. It’s funny how that works. Something that’s supposed to help you get better actually made me in an even worse condition that I was already in. Come to think of it, prior to the doctor’s appointment, I was feeling pretty good as is. I mean, I knew that my lungs were weak, but I didn’t feel as if I was depressed so to speak…it’s like the appointment brought up all these things. I do a test and they say “you need new lungs”…I tell them how life’s been and they say “you’re depressed.” After all is said and done, my mind turns it over and BAM, life gets shitty. I was telling Apoc that I shouldn’t have gone to the doctor’s appointment…Deanna said that if I didn’t go that I’d die sooner…I don’t know what to think any more.

What really helped me get out of that rut of feeling overwhelmed was a talk with Apoc and Mandel. I told them both what was going on with my health and they gave me great support. Mandel listened and sympathized a bit which was really cool because I got to learn more about him and his past. Apoc talked to me about solutions to the problem, like steps to take when I feel overwhelmed. Instead of saying “God, I have so little energy” turn it into “How can I get energy?” And this alone gave me a lot of insight. If I can switch my perspectives, I can be able to solve the problems better.

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So aside from health stuff, I’ve been trying to spend a lot of time with Deanna while looking for a place for me and Dugg to move into. I’ve been trying to take things as easy as I can while just focusing on health and spending time with my loved ones. Because I took last week off of work (due to the antibiotics), I had to work 4 days this week to make up for last weeks attendance. Work’s still kinda weird, more feel good inc. bull shit. This may sound stupid but I’m honestly questioning if “work” is something that I need to be worrying about these days.