No motivation

I’ve been having a tough week lately. This entry is going to seem a bit “off” and depressing. If you read this, I apologize. This isn’t a cry for attention or help or to act emo or depressed…they’re just what I’m thinking right now.

I’m not going to explain how I got here, not now at least. Just that I’m here. No motivation. Still a bit of strength left though. Days seem to come and go like this. Some are bad, some are good. My mom told me yesterday “so you’ve given up” and I shrugged her off with petty talk. Not like she ever tried to sympathize…hard to even think if she even cared very much. None of my family know about my problems. I’m not talking about my lungs. I’m talking about my head. It’s…everywhere.

No motivation. All I want to do now days is sit at home and listen to music. I enjoy that very much. Even if I can’t understand the lyrics or sometimes hear them. I feel like I’ve been broken. Some sort of product of what everyone’s been telling me. That I’m inadequate. That it’s not my fault. I’m never doing good enough for any body though. Deanna…family…Jason told me that I need to be a man…be strong…for her. I don’t know if I can. I’m in too many pieces.

How long can I keep going on like this? What exactly do I even want? And why am I so confused about everything? …and why is my life so fucking difficult. I wonder if I’m even living for me sometimes. It’s painful and I’m lost.