Snow, Thanksgiving and moving

So the snow finally started to stick on Monday. It was great for me because due to the terrible road conditions, I didn't need to risk driving to work. Once again spent the week over at Deanna's place and loved it. Monday was nice and casual, just went out to lunch with Brad and stared at the falling snow for hours on end. I really liked the snow (despite the chaotic road conditions) and it was nice to enjoy it with Deanna just sitting there in her warm living room watching the snow fall together.

This seemed to set the tone for the entire week...pretty lazy and laid back. Like I said before, I skipped out on work for Tuesday and Wednesday and as quickly as you'd think, BAM, Thanksgiving happened! I planned to go to Deanna's family Thanksgiving celebration held at her parent's house since my family wanted to do a Saturday Thanksgiving afterwards. Deanna's Thanksgiving was awesome. Most of her cousins, Ant's and Uncle's made it and it was nice to hang out with a really tight knit loving family during Thanksgiving. It's a bit different from what I do with my family because of how "in pieces" we all are. I'll get to that in a bit. Getting back to Deanna and her family though, it was just really nice to spend Thanksgiving with her and her family...didn't seem like there was any pressure, just fun and stress free. I had a lot of fun. The end of the night ended kind of poorly though. I ended up getting a fever at the end of the night, and this led to me having an argument with Deanna. During the argument, I said a few things that I probably shouldn't have and told her about how I don't think I'll be around for much longer. I wasn't trying to guilt trip her, I was instead trying to show her how important it is to take care of me when I need it most...it's a touchy subject. We figured things out in the end and had a good night.

The next day, I had a real hard time waking up due to some breathing issues. I didn't get up until about 1:30 in the afternoon or so. Deanna was telling me that she had been feeling really sad. She eventually told me that she was feeling overwhelmed about everything that has been going on...school, my health, her realizing that I'm losing strength...it was just all to much to take. To cheer her up, we ended up going to her parent's house where she could make ginger bread houses and enjoy some of the early Christmas celebrations. It seemed to really cheer her up and relieve her of a lot of stress. The last thing I want is for her to be stressed out when I'm already stressed out about things =/

On Saturday (today), I woke up with a ton of breathing issues. Waking up was extremely hard to do, coughing up tons of mucous while fighting to breathe, definitely not the way you want to wake up. I had very little strength but ended up still going to my family's Thanksgiving celebration. Deanna couldn't come because she was so bogged down with school, I ended up just going by myself. I'd like to say that it was fun, but it really wasn't. Unlike Deanna's happy Thanksgiving party, my family is a bit more confrontational. It's as if, some sort of resentment is constantly in the air when my family gets together. What's worse, is that it looked as if I was the target for this rage this time around =(. After dinner, I started talking to my dad about my health and how anything I do is difficult. My mom busted into our conversation all of a sudden talking about how I distance myself from the family and that was why I'm as sick as I am today...Ugh, more fuel to the fire I guess. What ended up happening was a good ole' mother son lecturing, except that the son wasn't going to take it. My mom talked about how I don't accept her "wisdom" she has over the situation, and I retorted with "You don't even know what I go through every day!" It was a huge mess. Oh, did I mention that this was IN the family room? Where everyone stopped their conversations to listen? Somewhere in my mom's yelling I said "I sure hope you feel better now that you've let that all out." or "Go on mom, make a scene, please I insist."

My dad eventually stepped in and took my mom outside to talk while I went upstairs in my old bed room. Lauren followed me up, and she was so sweet, saying that she supported anything that I wanted to do as long as it made me happy. And that I didn't need to have to worry about this type of stuff when I already have so much on my mind...what a good little sister. My dad came up afterwards to talk to me and he said exactly what was on my mind, that mom is just to scared and that was how she deals with it. After a few tears, and many big hugs, my dad sent up my mom. We talked for a bit and she held my hand telling me that she wanted to help me in any way...we all parted ways shortly after.

I'm not sad that my mom brought it up in front of everyone, and I'm not sad that she handled it the way she did. I guess, what I was really upset about was the fact that I was being attacked for how I live my life, as if I had done this to myself or something. Ultimately, it made me feel as if I wasn't doing good enough...not just for her, or for the family...but for myself. And recently I've been feeling this a lot lately...that I'm not ever doing good enough. I tried to explain that it's become so hard to do anything, that it becomes hard to even take care of myself let alone have a job, need to move, have a relationship, or a psychotic family who's at your throat for no reason. I guess, I too feel overwhelmed like Deanna did on Friday. I'm trying to fight it, it's just getting harder and harder.

Gloves! AND BEANIE!

So I had a pretty good weekend this time around. Pretty relaxed and stress free, surprisingly really enjoyable. I've spent most of the time with Deanna, and it's been really nice because we haven't fought or argued during the entire time. Sure, sometimes maybe she gets sad or I get sad from time to time, but when we're together we're both able to pull each other out of the mood and become happy together. It's been really nice spending so much time with her.

Thursday was Harry Potter day. It was awesome to see everyone dressed up in costume and so excited for the 12 o' clock showing. It was a really good movie. I hadn't read the book in awhile so I can't nit pick at all the details that they did wrong, however I felt that the movie was done pretty well actually. There were a few funny parts in there to that were kind of refreshing from the intense action that seemed to constantly occur. The only thing remotely "bad" about the event was that I began to realize how weak my body is. While standing in line for about 1 hour, I found my legs becoming tired, I had to sit down at a bench because of the exhaustion. Sucks to see my body getting weaker and weaker =/

I went to Zach's house on Friday night and hung out with a few friends. It was a pretty fun time. We played this dancing game on the Xbox Kinect and it was absolutely hilarious to watch my friends have their chance to go crazy with it. There's a part where you get to "free style" during your choreography and the camera takes 3 photos of you doing your free style and at the end of your little dance, they show it to you and it's absolutely hilarious to watch them. I spent most of the time just hanging out with Troy, Evan, Jesse, Kraing, Danny and Nolan. I talked to them about my disease and how it's getting worse. Being the great friends that they are, they offered their support and told me that they would help me with my move (scheduled here pretty soon). Mandel couldn't make it which was a bummer...guess he had some sleep to catch up on, but damn, it sure would have been cool to hang out with him. Leaving Zach's was pretty difficult because I was so cold. I felt myself having a hard time gathering enough energy/strength to get warm and as time passed by, I could also feel that it was becoming harder and harder to breathe. When I went in my car, I had a pretty tough coughing spell, so strong that my entire body trembled. My legs were shaking with each cough, it was tough to deal with. I just remember thinking while driving home how much more I can take of coughing fits like that?

Saturday was pretty lazy. Deanna and I just hung out all day, periodically switching from our computer spots to cuddling next to each other. It's weird, most of the time when we're together, we spend it on our computer's...kind of unromantic but at the same time, knowing that she's there is just so nice. I mean, every once in awhile I'll go over and kiss her or sit next to her or something, and it's not like we just drone out on our computer's. I mean we still joke around or talk to each other when we're on our computer's. Most of the day was just spent hanging out with each other though...it was really fun.

Sunday was a lot like Saturday but a bit more productive. It snowed a bit which was a nice surprise but nothing sticked. In the afternoon, Deanna and I went out for some pizza and went grocery shopping. The awesome thing about THIS grocery run, was that I bought some outer wear before heading to the grocery store! Deanna and I went to a local Fred Meyer and picked up a beanie and a pair of mittens for me so that I didn't have to battle the cold so fiercely. It's funny, I remember having my beanie and gloves on in the grocery store feeling so happy that I wasn't cold at all. I don't think that a lot of people understand how awesome it is to be warm all the time! I feel like I'm constantly battling the cold and it actually stops me from wanting to go out because I get so cold every where I go. And when I get cold, I get weak =(. But anyways, with gloves on hand and beanie on head, I feel MUCH warmer and was able to have a real comfortable nice time with Deanna.

No motivation

I’ve been having a tough week lately. This entry is going to seem a bit “off” and depressing. If you read this, I apologize. This isn’t a cry for attention or help or to act emo or depressed…they’re just what I’m thinking right now.

I’m not going to explain how I got here, not now at least. Just that I’m here. No motivation. Still a bit of strength left though. Days seem to come and go like this. Some are bad, some are good. My mom told me yesterday “so you’ve given up” and I shrugged her off with petty talk. Not like she ever tried to sympathize…hard to even think if she even cared very much. None of my family know about my problems. I’m not talking about my lungs. I’m talking about my head. It’s…everywhere.

No motivation. All I want to do now days is sit at home and listen to music. I enjoy that very much. Even if I can’t understand the lyrics or sometimes hear them. I feel like I’ve been broken. Some sort of product of what everyone’s been telling me. That I’m inadequate. That it’s not my fault. I’m never doing good enough for any body though. Deanna…family…Jason told me that I need to be a man…be strong…for her. I don’t know if I can. I’m in too many pieces.

How long can I keep going on like this? What exactly do I even want? And why am I so confused about everything? …and why is my life so fucking difficult. I wonder if I’m even living for me sometimes. It’s painful and I’m lost.

Speaking of unboxing...

So this was the video that I recorded...good memories with my friend Nolan Deits! I think this video was especially hilarious because at the time of the recording, tons of random stuff happening. Such as random high school girls hitting on me and asking for money via drive by, my nasty mug at the beginning, full house being on in the back ground of the apartment, lol.

I just remember being super excited that the game was coming out, I can't even explain to you how gut wrenching it was to see friends on my Xbox Live who were playing the game even when it hadn't even been released yet. Anyways, I was so excited, I had to document it...

Unboxing - The Phenomenon

Today at lunch, Neriah brought up the new sensation that's been sweeping the internet via youtube and other video websites...unboxing. I'm not too new to this “unboxing” trend, hell I've even done one before where I documented my unboxing of Street Fighter 4 when it came out. Now you may or may not know exactly what unboxing is, so allow me to explain. What essentially happens is that someone opens up a product and literally unboxes it while giving a play by play review of everything that comes with the said product. This can happen with a number of items like “collector’s edition” video game packages, trading card packs, electronic gizmos, pretty much anything and everything. I like to think of it as watching someone open up a gift, and immediately taking that gift out of it’s box and using item and telling me about all of the great things about it.

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“Here you go Jimmy, here’s your birthday present.”

“Oh thanks Mike…*unwraps present*….Ahh, sweet. Star Wars trilogy on blu-ray! Ahh man! Dude, so good man *begins ripping off plastic wrap*!!!! Dude I’ve heard that there’s a couple deleted scenes in this version that’s never been any other version. *opens box* I mean the DVD collectors edition came with a lot of extra foota *grabs 1 of the 3 blu-ray cases* – OHHH look at that art man. No seriously look at this…is that bad ass or what!? *holds up for me to view* Let’s look at the special features…dude we gotta watch this…”
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If I were to describe unboxing in one word it would be…delightful. It’s totally awesome to hear how excited someone is to enjoy their goodies. I can’t get enough of the introductions to the unboxing too “Hello, this is Tyler Preston…also known as DarkPaladin183, and I’m about to open up a package I got from UPS…lets do it. *opens box up* Well, there’s some shrink wrap in here with the packaging…”

Seriously, who can’t help but laugh and enjoy the experience with them!? They’re so happy and so excited! And then the flurry of random facts and information about the item…the origin, how much they bought it for, the special features that come with it, detailed explanations of why it’s so bad ass, it’s like they could go on and on as to why it’s so great. Watching DVD unboxing is absolutely hilarious to me. The obligatory opening of the DVD case is always funny to me “annnd here’s what the disc art looks like.” And shortly afterwards, all the special features are mentioned.

Anyways, Neriah and I made a joke about how we were going to create a youtube page dedicated to unboxing, but with a bit of a spin on it. Not so much unboxing awesome gadgets or anything great, but more or less unboxing things a bit LESS exciting. Things like groceries, trash cans, unboxing “Christmas edition” where we open up our presents and just explain everything and anything about the item…Unboxing a HUMAN of all things!...shit like that.

It was a nice little laugh. If you’re ever interested in getting something new but a bit skeptical of it, check out the unboxing of it on youtube. God knows it’s there, and you’ll get a good representation of what you can expect…or maybe at least a smiley feel good feeling for the person who’s doing the unboxing ^_^

FEV 25%

Life has been fairly chaotic recently. About 1 week ago I got put on antibiotics to see if I can raise my lung functions a bit. As of right now, my PFT’s say that my lungs are at 25% predicted of a regular healthy person’s lungs. That number has stuck in my mind for a little while…25%...damn that’s low. I’ve read that when a CF patient blows around the 30’s that the doctor’s start talking about lung transplant. In my case, I have been blowing around the 30’s for about 6 months (maybe 9?), and the doctor’s wanted to hold out on the idea of lung transplant because they wanted me to “optimize care.” After seeing the number and hearing about transplant, I started talking to my social worker about my personal life…about how I have been sleeping a whole lot lately, haven’t been eating very much, feeling unproductive and lazy, how I’ve had low energy lately…all these types of things. The conversation soon shifted over to talk about depression and how I may be severely affected by it. I didn’t really know what to think, things started becoming overwhelming.

I left the appointment feeling real upset. Health, both physically and mentally were deteriorating (or so it seemed) and there was very little I could do about it. I felt really helpless about the situation. Anyways, fast forward towards the start of antibiotics. Soon after starting the antibiotics, I break out in a rash and start having fevers and body aches. At this point, my appetite is nil, I have no energy at all, and I’m suffering due to the fevers and body aches. I was so overwhelmed with everything that it threw my mind in peril too. Thoughts of giving up happened pretty frequently. I was in a lot of pain. I took myself off the medicine and within a day or two, I started feeling stronger within 2 days.

Ever since I took myself off of that medicine, life has gotten a whole lot easier. It’s funny how that works. Something that’s supposed to help you get better actually made me in an even worse condition that I was already in. Come to think of it, prior to the doctor’s appointment, I was feeling pretty good as is. I mean, I knew that my lungs were weak, but I didn’t feel as if I was depressed so to speak…it’s like the appointment brought up all these things. I do a test and they say “you need new lungs”…I tell them how life’s been and they say “you’re depressed.” After all is said and done, my mind turns it over and BAM, life gets shitty. I was telling Apoc that I shouldn’t have gone to the doctor’s appointment…Deanna said that if I didn’t go that I’d die sooner…I don’t know what to think any more.

What really helped me get out of that rut of feeling overwhelmed was a talk with Apoc and Mandel. I told them both what was going on with my health and they gave me great support. Mandel listened and sympathized a bit which was really cool because I got to learn more about him and his past. Apoc talked to me about solutions to the problem, like steps to take when I feel overwhelmed. Instead of saying “God, I have so little energy” turn it into “How can I get energy?” And this alone gave me a lot of insight. If I can switch my perspectives, I can be able to solve the problems better.

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So aside from health stuff, I’ve been trying to spend a lot of time with Deanna while looking for a place for me and Dugg to move into. I’ve been trying to take things as easy as I can while just focusing on health and spending time with my loved ones. Because I took last week off of work (due to the antibiotics), I had to work 4 days this week to make up for last weeks attendance. Work’s still kinda weird, more feel good inc. bull shit. This may sound stupid but I’m honestly questioning if “work” is something that I need to be worrying about these days.